We are Steve & Heather, both born and raised in the Pacific Northwest, north of Seattle. We first met at 18 & 19 years old and got married a few years later in 1997.
But our story actually starts before we even met:
Heather-
“I was a senior in high school when I found out that I was pregnant. In my pediatrician’s office, I heard the words, “I hear fetal heart tones” and my world changed forever. The estimate was that the baby was about 28 weeks and I wasn’t doing well and needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately. (I hadn’t known I was pregnant. Denial is a very powerful mask.)
I spent the next week in the hospital as my team tried to stabilize me and save the baby. I was battling severe eclampsia and toxemia. At the end of that week, I was crashing and transferred to the University of Washington Hospital. Despite all attempts to have a vaginal birth, time was slipping away for both of us. I ended up having an emergency C-section, which was a very traumatic experience both physically and emotionally. David was 2 pounds 13 ½ ounces at birth. He was only on oxygen for a day, in an isolette for a week, and released to go home after a month. It was the early 90’s, and he was defying all odds. He was a miracle!
David’s life is so much greater than two paragraphs. But that is a story for another time. By the grace of God, even though I didn’t raise him, we have always been in each other’s lives. He is still my miracle!”
We share this piece because it helps paint the full picture of God’s work in our lives.
In 2004 we had our first daughter Lydia. Two years later we decided it was time to start trying for another baby. It took about 18 months to conceive Lydia, so we weren’t concerned when it didn’t happen right away. Years started going by and still no baby.
In 2008, we hit a major bump in the road. Steve went into end-stage renal failure, was on dialysis and needed a kidney transplant. In June of 2009, Steve received his new kidney donated by a close friend. It was a successful transplant and doctors didn’t see any reason why we couldn’t conceive another child.
We continued to wait and believe for another baby.
While we were waiting, we decided to pursue becoming foster parents. One evening after we had finished praying for another family and their coming child, a pastor of ours told us he felt an impression from the Lord that, even though we were in the process of getting our foster license, we should not give up on having another biological child.
In 2013, Heather heard from the Lord the name of our baby girl. Heather had just come from a very difficult visit with her mother at a local nursing home. (Her mom had suffered a severe traumatic brain injury several years prior due to encephalitis and was unable to care for herself.) As Heather was driving home from the visit, overwhelmed with tears, crying out to the Lord over the impossible situation with her mom, God spoke in such a gentle and tender way. She didn’t receive the answers to her questions, yet the Lord spoke to Hope. He told her she was going to have a baby girl and her name would be AnnaJoy, which means prophet of Joy.
In January of 2014 we got the best news; we were pregnant! 8 years in the making and our miracle was on her way! We shared this miracle with our family, friends and also testified and declared the goodness of God in front of our church family.
After an ultrasound confirmed our baby was a girl, we celebrated with our oldest daughter with lunch at Five Guys and a trip to Costco to pick out a sweet baby girl outfit.
About 20 weeks into the pregnancy, Heather started to have some minor complications; slightly elevated blood pressure and headaches.
As the weeks went by, Heather’s blood pressure and headaches increased. She was in and out of the hospital and finally fully admitted. Her doctor told us that Heather would spend the remainder of her pregnancy in the hospital.
During this time we had two kids at home. Lydia (9) and our foster son Jordan (6) who was not yet adopted. Steve had a new normal to try to balance; 2 kids, work, wife and baby in the hospital 45 minutes away.
Heather had been in the hospital for a week and was 27 weeks along. Her doctor wanted to do one last test. It came back positive for HELLP syndrome, a life-threatening, pregnancy induced, liver disorder that prevents clotting. Since we already knew delivery had to be a C-section, the doctor said they would have to deliver immediately. It was Steve’s first day back to work and he had to race down to the hospital.
After two failed spinal blocks, doctors had to put Heather fully under. It was an emergency C-section and Steve couldn’t be in the room.
Steve-
“I was in the waiting room with some friends and family when the code blue alert went off in the hospital. I instantly knew it was for Heather and our baby girl. I ran around the corner to see a wave of nurses and doctors flood into the operating room where they were. I hit my knees there in the hallway. What seemed like an eternity that was probably only moments later, a nurse came out to find me in the hall. She took me into a recovery room across the hall to sit down and explained that Heather was okay but that our baby came out not breathing. They were able to get her breathing and were now working to stabilize her. The nurse would then come back and forth to update me. I did the only thing I could think of. Pray. Pray hard. This is not how things are supposed to go! This is our tiny little great big miracle. AnnaJoy is a promise from the Lord, why are things happening like this?
The nurse finally returned to let me know that they have AnnaJoy stable enough to move her to the NICU and they would be bringing her out in an isolette to take her there in a few minutes. I was able to go get our oldest daughter, Lydia, from the waiting room and bring her into the hallway to meet her tiny baby sister. Our daughter was the tiniest baby I had ever seen, 1 pound 11 ounces. I hold on to this memory so tightly because it was the only time Lydia ever got to see AnnaJoy.
They wheeled AnnaJoy down to the NICU and Lydia and I rejoined the others in the waiting room until they wheeled Heather into her recovery room. As Heather woke up, I had to try to explain to her what had taken place.”
With Heather recovering in the hospital and then at home, AnnaJoy in the NICU and Lydia & Jordan at home with the help of others trying to keep life “normal” for them while Steve tried his best to balance it all. This became the new normal for the next week until life took another drastic turn.
Heather had had 2 blood transfusions, but she was recovering. Steve was balancing having a baby in the NICU and caring for Heather. AnnaJoy was tiny yet improving and stabilizing.
It was Sunday, Father’s Day and AnnaJoy was almost a week old. We were excited to introduce her to the pastor who had given us the word from the Lord about not giving up on having another baby and his wife whom AnnaJoy’s middle name is after. While we were with her, we were told that her breathing had improved so much that they were planning on taking her off the respirator. What special gifts for such a special day! We had no idea that there was about to be another abrupt change and that that would be the last time we would see our daughter alive.
Early the next morning we got a call from the hospital that AnnaJoy had a rough night. The nurses had prepared us beforehand that NICU babies can have multiple ups and downs so we were not caught off guard by this news. There wasn’t urgency from the hospital staff, so we decided that Heather’s friend would drive her to the hospital and Steve would return back to work as planned with Heather updating him.
Heather-
”I walked into the NICU with a team of doctors and nurses doing CPR on AnnaJoy. My world started spinning; literally. I left this world. I could only see this long path before me. Everything around me was distorted and swirling. The only thing I could see clearly was the path. Over and over again I heard the Lord say, ‘Do not look to the right or the left’. I don’t remember this but my friend later told us: The medical team came up to me at least three times and asked if they could stop doing CPR and my response was, ”but Steve isn’t here.” At some point, I relinquished.“
Steve-
“I received a call from a NICU nurse shortly after I got to work and was asked if I was coming down to the NICU. I said that Heather was on her way and the nurse said okay. Again, no urgency, so I just thought they were asking to know when the doctor should come by the room to update us.
A few minutes later I received another call from the NICU asking when we would get there and this time I was told I needed to get down there right away and that they were taking measures to keep AnnaJoy alive…
WHAT?! Why had they not said that before?!
I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could drive, frantically trying to get ahold of Heather on my way. Heather did not answer the phone or respond to texts. I kept calling her. “How come Heather isn’t calling me to tell me what is going on?” “She must still be on her way, but then why is she not answering?” Then I started calling pastors to pray. Driving fast, I had hoped to get pulled over to plead my case to an officer to get me to the hospital faster than I could get there myself.
Continuing to try to get ahold of Heather, I finally pulled into the valet entrance of the hospital, flung my door open and ran into the building without waiting for anyone. The elevator was slow and when I asked security for the stairs I was told there are not any. I had to wait.
Once I finally reached the NICU floor I ran in and saw Heather and her friend sitting outside of AnnaJoy’s room. Her room behind them was silent. And that silence was deafening.
I could see no one else in her room except for AnnaJoy. She was just laying there in the open isolette with no tubes, no hoses, no other apparatus around her as I had (not really) gotten used to seeing for the last 7 days. “WHAT?!” “Why is noone in there with her???”
But I knew. I instantly knew. And I also knew that I was too late to see my promised miracle daughter alive again. I had missed my last window of opportunity. “What in the world?!” “How could this possibly be?!” “How come Heather didn’t call me when she got here?” “How come there was no sense of urgency in the nurse’s voice the first two times that I had talked to someone from the NICU that morning?”
I just held Heather while she was sitting in a chair outside of the room that AnnaJoy had just slipped away to Heaven from.”
We both ended up in her room, taking turns holding her, something we couldn’t do before. We left the hospital in shock; broken, separate, and with no baby.
A moment that stands out to us during this time was when a friend, seemingly at random, said to us, ”We will not let your marriage fail.” It was a prophetic word straight from Heaven! We had not yet shared with people that our marriage had already been on the rocks prior to all this, and now, more than ever, we were in desperate need of help.
The next week was a blur. Planning the graveside and memorial services, sitting at the funeral home not really hearing what was being said; in a state of not really living.
During that first week several of our pastors came over to the house. One in particular talked about how we were at a crossroads; we had a choice to make. Either God is good or He is not. Either the whole Word of God is true or it isn’t. It is all or nothing.
That day, even though our marriage was a mess, we chose in unity that God is good. We were all in. We had chosen to process our promise from God, and our daughter’s passing, through the lens of, no matter what, God is good. That decision is what set the trajectory for our grief journey; for our lives.
Something that the Lord literally birthed through all of this is AnnaJoy’s Legacy – “AJ’s Place – A Foundation of Hope.” It took several years. Our marriage had to be healed first with us walking together, in unity. That was not an easy undertaking, nor have we ”arrived” in any capacity. Our marriage was very broken before we lost AnnaJoy and her death only compounded and brought our brokenness to the surface. It was a work that only the Lord could do, but it had to start with our “Yes” to Him and to each other.
The Lord told us that we would be there for bereaved families “at the beginning and throughout their healing/grief journey”. At the beginning, with Hope Bags, bringing families into community with other bereaved families and connecting them with biblical grief resources. Then continuing on to help bring closure by providing memorial stone grants.
It took us 15 months to be ready to start creating AnnaJoy’s memorial stone. If we had done it sooner, it would have been missing truths that the Lord gave us during those months of mourning. Those truths are engraved on her stone and still speak life to us today. We never want families to be limited by time or unable to create even a simple memorial stone for their child due to cost.
Our community surrounded us in tangible ways as we walked this excruciating process and that is the heart of AJ’s Place, “No family should have to walk alone.”
And here we are, 10 years later, being more vulnerable and expanding her story to be more in-depth than before. So, how did we get here? How was our marriage healed? How were we able to open our hearts to more kids? How are we able to walk with other bereaved parents?
Our ONLY answer is Jesus.
We had to give it ALL to Him; every piece of hurt, bitterness, anger, sadness, disappointment, unanswered prayers (the list goes on and on.) This task was not easy or simple, nor is it complete. It’s a continual handing over to Jesus; trusting in who He says He is; a loving Father who takes the best care of His children. He is Faithful. He is trustworthy. He is good.
He has taken the ashes of the death of our daughter and turned them into the most beautiful creation. We still walk in grief yet there is a JOY that coexists and is unexplainable outside the love of Christ. He is our only answer for how we have walked the most difficult journey of our lives.
We are bereaved parents, yet the only title we want the world to know is that Steve & Heather are beloved children of God.
Jesus Christ changed our grief journey. We pray that today you will open your heart to Him and let Him change your story.