Where to begin? My testimony is different from many who may be in this position. I was in my early twenties and very excited to be pregnant with my first baby. I had a difficult time with morning sickness, which should really be called “all day sickness” but every visit with my doctor showed a healthy baby actively moving on ultrasound. I loved watching my baby, talking to my baby, rubbing my belly. I was in love.
I couldn’t believe the constant change of the how quickly the baby was growing. I had been to all of my visits by myself and asked for my husband to go with me to this visit. I wanted him to see the baby. I bragged about how cool it was and also this was the 20 week visit and we would get to view the gender.
When we went into the room at the doctor’s office they proceeded to do the routine of checking for the heartbeat with the device on top of my belly. We weren’t hearing anything and I wasn’t concerned. I was anticipating the ultrasound. I was excited to share this moment with my husband. At that same moment my doctor was called to deliver another patient’s baby and I was left with an assistant to do the ultrasound. As she proceeded with the ultrasound I immediately knew something was wrong. There was no moving baby. The images were much different then what I had always been able to see. I froze… I looked into the assistant’s eyes and she said “I’m Sorry it doesn’t look good.”
I immediately stood up, and walked out of the back door of the office. Completely in shock. I had
literally no information, just a gut feeling. I called my mom who told me to go to the ER. After a long process of tests, and waiting with no answers, I was told my baby had passed away. I had to wait a week for a D&C. The chromosome test showed that my baby had passed two weeks prior. I can’t explain what it is like to know something is dead inside of you. I also can’t explain the horrific void once its no longer there.
I grew up knowing and loving God. But I was so mad at him. What did I do wrong. I prayed and prayed. I knew he could do something. My neighbor smoked and drank Coca-Cola every day. Her baby was fine. I was depressed. I saw floods of pregnant woman every day and to top it all off I still was carrying my baby weight and people would walk up and touch my tummy. I was so angry. All the time.
One area of closure was to have a ceremony. We buried my sweet “Alexandria Lynn Smith.” I was a mom but I also wasn’t. Life was confusing. To make matters worse I didn’t have the money do a proper ceremony, but my mom covered most of it. We had a marker for so many years to show where she was laid. It was paper with clear plastic over it and a green border. Her name was washed off and I remember being in a panic one day because I couldn’t find her. Also, a funny thing about tragedy is not everyone understands. I was judged by family members for “wasting money” when it was only a miscarriage.
A decade went by that way. God restored me. He gave me a wonderful son. He was a double blessing. Love healed my heart. AJ’s Place stepped up when I didn’t know there was still healing to be done. My daughter’s headstone is the most beautiful memory I have. It gives her honor. I was able to be in control of something for once when it came to her. Many women don’t know what they need in this time, and place. But be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Give yourself grace. The One who is Love will always restore. One day I will get to hold my sweet girl and kiss her.